We Cannot Guide Others into the Light if We are Hiding in Our Own Shadow

Nikka Karli
This is one of the hardest things I've ever written.
I'm not writing it because I want to, not precisely, but because I'm asked to.
By God, by Muse, by Soul.
I'm actually shaking and crying as I type.
I dreamt of this all night, fighting the Muse, fighting that it was time to share this.
Because it's something I've always known I would share, but not until it was time.
But I knew that I would Know when it actually was time because it would serve.
Sometimes we create and share it but don't Know if it will serve.
We only hope it will.
But this time I Know.
I do not Know who... maybe it will only serve me... but today that has to be enough.
Because I am being ridden by the Divine and I cannot say no.
So here goes.
Last year, I lost it all.
Not all in the sense of love, but pretty much everything else.
I had lost my job and then lost my home and then had to give up my dogs because I couldn't care for them anymore.
And then, as if this wasn't already the kind of situation that rocks your foundational belief in yourself, I had to move back in with my parents.
Yes, I've had my business for years.
Yes, I've been unraveling my own issues with money and worth for years (and yeeeeaaaarrrssss).
Yes, I've been studying marketing and built websites and studied with mentors and helped hundreds of people with their deepest soul work...
But I couldn't even take care of myself or keep a roof over my head.
And I failed my dogs, which was the worst thing of all. Harder than divorce.
From a storytelling perspective, I've always know that I would share this story.
But I thought it would be like all the other Success stories you hear...
That I'd share it after I had made millions and helped, well if not millions, then thousands of people around the world.
I thought that I'd be completely on the other side of this before I had to share it, but- as so often is the case- the Muse had other plans.
I thought that if the trigger was still there, that God wouldn't put it on my heart to speak it yet.
Speak what?
Shame.
Shame is what I've been sitting in for the last year of my life.
I tried to shake it.
I tried to rise energetically above it.
I tried to get tons of jobs while growing my business.
I tried to pour my soul into the Pacific Ocean on the shores of Costa Rica.
But none of it took me to the place inside of myself that I had to go before I could be set free:
Forgiveness.
I couldn't forgive myself.
I just couldn't.
I had tried and thought that I did...
But deep down I knew I hadn't.
Why?
Because I didn't feel like I deserved it.
I felt like I had failed my dogs and that I deserved to suffer through this time in my life.
I know that makes no sense on the outside.
I get that.
But we've all been there, right?
Where we did something or didn't do something or felt like we had failed those we loved in such a way that we simply didn't deserve to move past it.
Where, no matter that God gave us His son to die for us (or whatever you believe), that we ourselves do not deserve forgiveness for this One Thing.
And so we punish ourselves.
Over and over.
Until we have exhausted ourselves over the pyre.
And we have bled ourselves dry.
And then, one day, we come to the crossroads where we have to choose:
Life or death.
Now, for some this is a literal question.
For others, it only feels literal.
Or, rather visceral.
For me, it is the latter.
It feels like I am at the threshold of life or death.
Not a physical dying but rather one of soul.
It is as if I choose to carry this pain and burden any longer, my soul will shrivel up and die.
Because it is snuffing out my Light.
And without our Light, we cannot serve.
We cannot be in the power that is required- nay, DEMANDED- to Create with the Muse and, as such, we are diminished.
As artists who are here to serve the Light, we must lay down our burdens and our shame if we are to walk our path fully and share the gifts that have placed inside of us with any hope of changing the world.
What is your thing? What is the "issue" you've had your whole life?
Is it money, like me? Well that's how your shame and your burdens will manifest.
is it commitment? Trust? Love? Bad luck? Abuse? Addiction? Abandonment? Self-worth? Being the odd kid out?
Whatever your "thing" has been, look there now.
Look to see how it is showing through in your life.
Relationship on the rocks... again?
Calling in a crappy partner or friendships... again?
Feeling like everyone is always taking but never giving back to you... again?
Wondering why your art is suffocating and not fully expressed... again?
Turning down opportunities for growth and leadership because you're not quite "ready"... again?
Your shame and burdens will appear through the portal of your "issue" and will strip you of even more than you thought possible and fester away like a rotten wound.
But it is not a wound that any bandage can fix.
You cannot cover it up and hope to be free.
And free is what we must be as artists.
We must, like no other, be FREE.
This is a wounding of the soul and cannot be ignored and masked.
It cannot be forgotten about and prettied over.
It must be excavated and brought to the Light.
You must be purged of its grip on your heart and your mind.
You must be made into a clear vessel for God to work.
For the Muse to work.
You gifts are at stake here.
Your LIFE is at stake here.
Is it fun to bare your soul to the world?
To excavate and listen to the demons?
To share your pain so truly that it can be alchemized into freedom?
No, not at all.
Not even a little bit.
But what is fun is the freedom and exhilaration you feel when it's out of your body.
Because that's where it's stored.
In your body.
In the vessel her(or him)self.
And the more you keep it stuck in your body, not moving the pain and sorrow and shame and guilt through, the longer it will be before you manifest your dreams into your physical reality.
Trust me, I know.
We all have a go-to.
Victim, Blamer, or Martyr. (I have martyr tendencies.)
The place we go when the part of our reptilian-like brain is stimulated.
And we feel like we need to fight or flee.
We go into a certain state.
It's almost a relief, like coming up for air after being held under water for too long.
And it flows like satin over your skin.
Even if you've been doing the internal work and know that it does not serve to go back into that mode.
Still.
Still it feels, in a way, like coming home.
Because it has been your protector for so long.
And it welcomes you with open arms, whispering lies of how it will keep away the storm and the monsters.
But what do you do when the monsters are inside of you?
When the monsters you are trying to run from are not, as we've always been taught, something outside of you but, rather, born OF you?
We fight...
And then we surrender.
And we welcome them in and ask what they have to teach us this time.
We let ourselves recognize the lesson in the longing.
We open ourselves to the Divine and to the thing that is asking to be birthed through us in that moment.
I've stopped crying now.
Because this is serving.
I've allowed the Truth to come through the pain.
I've said yes to this being what it needed to be for me.
And I'm ready to release it.
I let myself be free.
I'll share more this week.
I don't know what will come but I know it will be of Truth and not shame.
I don't need you or anyone to see me as an expert of anything.
I release the need to seem like I have it all together, because God knows I do not (we never do, we only fool ourselves into believing that we do).
If you are also a Creator, an artist, a Mystic, a Maverick, an Emissary of the Light, a Warrior of Love...
then I invite you to release your burdens too.
Look deeper and find the festering soul wound.
The thing that is keeping you from stepping fully into your leadership and growing (or starting) your movement in this world.
Because if we don't, our creativity and impact is forever stunted.
We cannot lead if we are hiding our Truth.
We cannot guide others into the Light if we are hiding in our own Shadow.
Will you come with me?
This, THIS, is our Untaming.
This is the freedom that we seek in fast cars and on the yoga mat and through traveling and maybe sometimes in the arms of another human.
It's right here. Deeper down that you have been willing to go for fear of what you might find.
Ask your body.
She (or he) knows.
And let yourself be free.
If you'd like to get your shame and burden off your heart, I'm opening up space to Witness you.
Message me to chat privately.
I'll respond.
No one else needs to know right now, if you're not ready. Just me. And the Muse.
And if you are ready to bare your own Truth to the world so that it can be alchemized into your own freedom and the freedom of those you are here to serve, we can talk about that too.
No matter what, know that you are not alone.
You are seen and you are loved and you've got this.
As always...
Here's to your Untaming,
Nikka
#stalkingthemoon
#musingsfromthewild
BlogNikka Karli